On Doors and Other Useful How to's

Disclaimer: The following are comments on people's behaviors only. They do not imply a feeling of aversion or hatred toward any particular person. They have the sole purpose of denouncing harmful attitudes and behaviors.

I have noticed that as of late Drama has developed this despicable habit of following me around. Know that I do not like it, and that a different target should be chosen in order to avoid unwanted consequences. Moving on...

The United States of America is a country founded on principles of freedom and very specific rights, such as the right to privacy, property, freedom of expression, and freedom of thought and religion. This being the case, I find it disturbing how a very prevalent and harmful attitude of entitlement causes the violation of these freedoms and rights, sometimes even unconsciously. So, I have decided to post several "How to" essays or instructions to attempt to reduce the frequency of these violations. Here they are:

1. How to Knock on Doors
(taken from http://www.swingmachine.org/issue12/knock.html)

Welcome to the exciting world of knocking! Many times in your life you will come upon a closed door. Knowing how to knock is critical to ensure a satisfying door opening experience for all involved. If you follow these simple instructions, all your door endeavors will be guaranteed crowd pleasers! Failure to follow this suggested protocol may result in embarrassing experiences, trespassing charges, or even unwanted gunfire.

Step 1: Upon discovering the closed door, lightly knock your hand on the door. Then wait several moments. If you do not receive a response, knock a second time, in a more powerful fashion. It is recommended that you vary the stregnth of the knock in relation to other local noises.

Step 2: Wait for a response.

Step 3: React accordingly. This is the trickiest step, as it can vary from one door experience to another. Here are some suggestions of sound actions for likely situations:

•       Situation 1: No response
  Repeat steps 1 and 2. If several attempts don't produce a response, we recommend you try knocking again later. The place is likely unoccupied or the occupant(s) are sleeping.
  
  
•       Situation 2: A response such as "Yes?" or "Who is it?"
  Identify yourself and your reason for calling. Be careful not to jump the gun and open the door wide open. This is a big no- no that many people new to knocking make! Très gauche! Make sure you wait for permission
  
  
•       Situation 3: A response such as "One moment!" or "Be right there!"
  Respond with a statement such as "OK." The occupants of the place are about to open the door for you. Be patient and wait for them to open it. Patience is a virtue you know! If you haven't identified yourself yet, this is a splendid chance!
  
  
•       Situation 4: A response such as "I'm asleep!" or "This is a really bad time!"
  This requires sound judgment. If your buissness is critical (Examples: House on fire. Occupants needed to perform CPR), then state this and wait for another response. It is acceptable to use a raised tone of voice for this, but screaming orders is frowned upon. If your reason for knocking is of a more benign nature (Examples: cannot find telephone / need help hooking up a TV / need ride to supermarket) then the proper response is to leave the occupant alone at this point. You are welcome to inquire again after a reasonable period of time (1 hour if occupant is not sleeping and doesn't say otherwise, several hours in other cases.)
  
  
•       Situation 5: A response such as "Come in!" or "It's open!"
  This is an invitation to open the door. Do so, and do it joyously.

2. How to Appropriately Show Empathy and Compassion
(taken from about.com)

The answer to this question lies in learning to distinguish between empathy and sympathy. So, what's the difference?

Sympathy: the act of imagining and interpreting the thoughts, experiences, and perspectives of others from our own lens (e.g. our history, experiences, priorities and values).

Empathy: the act of attempting to understand the thoughts, experiences, and perspectives of others from their own lens (e.g. their history, experiences, priorities and values).

What Empathy is not:

• An attempt to assert your opinion
  
• An exercise in convincing others of your point of view, or having them convince you of theirs
  
• Anything that starts with "I...."
  
• Automatic agreement with the other individual's perspective
  
• Acknowledgment that you are wrong in any way

What Empathy is:

• Listening
  
• Asking questions - for aid in clarification and understanding
  
• Temporarily suspending your own ideas, opinions, and emotions (particularly anger and resentment)
  
• Best when paired with validation

A few more important points about empathy:
1. In the context of race and culture difference, we must remember that although we may have formed opinions over time, on the basis of our observations, we have not lived the experience of another person of another race/ethnicity. For that matter, we have not lived the experience of other individuals who may be the same race, but perhaps come from a different class, region, ethnic cultural background, etc. This makes empathy -- refraining from judgment and attempting to understand how the other individual sees and experiences things -- all the more important.

2. Empathy must work both ways - not only must we make the effort to understand the other person's underlying knowledge, thoughts and feelings, but we must be willing to examine and share our own.

3. Empathy requires that we overcome obstacles to understanding, such as the harmful stereotypes we have all inherited about one another. All of us have them. No one is exempt. (An exercise I've repeated in workshops has shown this to be absolutely fact. In a very short period of time, a group is able to generate and agree on a very long list of stereotypes about specific groups of people, whether positive or negative attributes are assigned. This happens 100% of the time.)

4. Empathy requires that we be willing to question whether our opinions, especially those we dearly hold, are based on real knowledge and facts, or whether they are based on misinformation we've inherited or acquired somewhere along the way.

5. Empathy requires trust and that we temporarily suspend judgment. We must be willing to trust that the experiences shaping the perspectives of others may be very different from what we know and have experienced. If our immediate response is to attempt to invalidate the underlying knowledge, experience, and feelings shaping the other individual's perspective, then we enter a judging mode and fail at empathy.

The first step: many people believe they are demonstrating empathy, when really, they are showing sympathy. But in fact, empathy requires patience and practice, and oftentimes, that we adjust our attitudes in the interest of learning something new and creating peace with others.

The reward: Gaining wisdom about other experiences and perspectives; resolving conflict quicker; greater intercultural understanding; better relationships; racial harmony; peace.

It is important to note that empathy and compassion are feelings (i.e. internal realizations) that do not always require a direct involvement in the situation that others are experiencing (i.e. attempting to solve their problems, or meddling in their fights). Empathy should not be used as an excuse to introduce more drama to anyone's life. It is a means to reduce conflict and drama, not a means to create them.

3. How to Persuade Others to Do What You Want
(taken from helium.com)

It is a necessity in the world we live in to be able to get other people to do what you want. Being persuasive and cunning is important if you want to lead a comfortable lifestyle, so here are five helpful tips to use in life when you want something from someone.

Tip number one: Know what it is you want

Don't bother people to have them do something for you until you know what it is you want them to do. The easiest way of finding out is to think beforehand. It is simple, yet often overlooked.

Tip number two: Ask in advance

Nobody likes to feel rushed, especially when it comes to big tasks, so when you want something out of someone, give them a little notice. Just like a student will be more comfortable with a test they knew was coming in advance than with a pop quiz. So when you ask, ask a little while before you need whatever it is you are asking for.

Tip number three: Be nice about it

Yes, I know, this one is quite obvious. When you are asking for something from someone, be non confrontational, smile a little, and be polite. "Please" and "Thank you" can take you very far in life, believe it or not. Also a small compliment never hurt anyone. Be sure and seem sincerely nice about it, don't look like you are trying to use them.

Tip number four: It's a question, not a statement

One problem some people have when asking for something is they tend to turn it from a question into a statement. "Would it be alright if I left early to go to my kids game?" is better than "Hey I'm leaving early for my kids game, okay?" Because when you put it as a statement, it makes you seem to be the person calling the shots, which quite obviously you aren't, or you would not need to ask for something. When others feel like they are being ordered, they are more likely to be unhappy by it. Let them feel it is their choice and that they have the power and they will be more likely to say yes.

Tip number five: If yes, be grateful, if no, don't whine

Getting someone to agree with you is only about two thirds of the task. The other one third is making sure that in the future they will say yes again. To do this make sure that if someone says no to you, do not cry, pout, or whine. This will get on their nerves and make them not want to do you any favors ever because you are a brat about not getting your way. Instead, just say alright, and act okay. On the other hand, if the person says yes, be sure to appear genuinely grateful and let them know you appreciate what they are doing for you. Look them in the eye and say thank you. This lets the person know they are not being taken for granted and will make them more likely to say yes in the future.

Tip number six: When all else fails, negotiate

Yes, thats right, sometimes you have to give a little to get some. If you want to take off early, you might have to work a little late one day. If you want Timmy to take the trash out, you may have to promise to get him some ice cream. Now be sure to not whip out the negotiation on the first try. I mean, you don't want to be suckered into those extra hours in the office if you don't have to be. Ask the question, if they say no, then lay down a bargaining chip. But be sure not to make too many offers or else they can get annoyed with your continuous asking.

The art of persuasion is an art that takes practice, but the more you try, the better you get. I hope some of you out there benefit from my tips. Remember the world is ripe for the taking, you just have to know how to pick it.